60th entry

It's time for a change. And I will start this off by changing the blog template that I've already used for many years. Even though I like the picture of my blog banner very much, but I'm too lazy (and stupid) to deal with HTML so I decided to just choose a template provided by Blogger LOL. Some of them quite nice also la. Life is like this, we will have to let go of something that we like because of many reasons. When you've tried your best to get or achieve what you want very badly but failed eventually , leaving things to fate is the only thing that we're capable of doing.

I found that many people blog to vent or get emotional, including myself. Here goes the fate of diary books lol. It's really a place for people to keep their secrets without having to worry about missing your blog entries (you might forget where you hid your personal diaries lol), control the people who can read your worries and emotion or stuff like that. Years later I can read back the old blog entries it's really a nice thing to do. It makes me miss my old life, my old friends, somewhere I can't get back to, somebody that I've missed forever.

Life after STPM isn't how and what I wanted it to be. Mainly because of money issues. And after all I'm still a teen(kononnya) who obeys mom's wish lol. I actually wish to meet up my high school friends more frequently and catch up with them because talking to them is one of the best things to do. I miss how we used to meet at school every single day, talking crap, laughing out loud and sharing silent moments. It's like the only purpose of going to school lol. Things can't get back to how it used to be and I doubt if I will ever meet awesome people like them in the future.

Anyways it's not as bad though. I feel like I'm back to my old lazy self who is so slumber to the extent that even myself also beh tahan. In another word, I lost my ability to enjoy being slumber LOL. See, I've grown up. This is good and bad at the same time. Good being I'm slowly transforming to insan yang boleh menyumbang kepada masyarakat lol bullshit and bad being I feel very eager to get something to do to prove myself a productive kid and feel upset for not being able to do anything in the end. 

Ok I'm going for a power job hunting journey next Monday.

And a trip on 31 December! I feel very excited about it but the excitement reduced a bit because of some reasons haiz. Anyway I'm still looking forward to going to a trip planned by ourselves for the first time. Yes the first time for me, if campings not counted lol. It's going to be a countdown with friends yo! Just forget all the unhappiness and enjoy ba. 

胡言乱语

2012 第二篇。
经过了一年多考试的摧残，以为考完后可以过下写意的日子，我敢说我已经尽力做到最好了，现在希望成绩出来会在我能够接受的范围之内LOL
可是我没有想到原来得到的自由与我想象中的有微差。
不是微差，是挺大的差距。
我不是一个喜欢哀怨的人，能够让我觉得失落必定是不小的事，而且是短期之内没有办法解决得来的。我会让自己尽快走出蒙蔽我的烟雾，着手解决问题。可是当年岁渐长，越难做到这一点。
家里的事，我已经烦恼得很了，有时候宁可自己笨一点，可以得到家人更多的爱护。学习上的聪明并不代表我情感上也比一般人坚强。我希望我亲爱的人不要如此伤害我。难道我在她心中的地位真的这么糟么？
我本想在家休息一阵子，毕竟刚考完试嘛。可是现在的我的处境让我觉得是家里的蛀米虫，人人都在勤奋努力，可我却不断地在享受，到处游玩撒钱，忽略其他人的辛苦，自顾自寻欢。
原来一个少年纯粹的贪玩心态可以被解读为自私。
我到底要怎么办才能摆脱我现在在你心中的形象？你永远是最不了解我的那一个。
我这些情感抒发可能对你来说只是在废话多说，是一堆垃圾，不值一看。不然我怎么会沦落到现在这样子的状况呢？你知不知道当你最希望得到认可的那个人把你说的一文不值的那种痛和讶异？
我从来都不知道你从我身上要的是这些。你都不说，我怎么会知道？恕我不懂得读心术。我宁愿你责备我，告诉我，我也不想上演这样子吓死我的戏码。
我在想，这屋檐下有没有人了解我的伤心。还是我只是让人不屑一顾的，被人遗弃的东西。
算了，我现在真的觉得我是一坨大便。
我只想赶快找到工作，他妈的证明我不是一根废材。这是我唯一想到能够做的，不然我还能做什么？虽然这想法很白痴，不符合我一贯理性的形象LOL 可是我觉得我都快忧郁症了。看，转身一变，我在你面前，成了一个没能力，却急着自我证明的幼稚小孩。只因你都把他宠得像手心里的宝，而我却永远在考完试以后的时间被忽略。
对不起，可是我就是这么想得到关心和注意。可是你永远都不会知道。
好了，我累了。